Bonds

So today, I'm going to talk about bonds. Bonds of friends, romance, and family. I don't know a better way to describe the feeling with other people than with bonds. Each of us has them with other people, and each bond is different from another one you have with someone else.

In my instance, the bonds with my blood relatives (apart from my mother) are fairly non-existent. I have lost all respect for two of my uncles and my grandfather. They have decided to put either woman or gambling first in their lives, and disrepect those whom took care of them and loved them in the past. Those were their decisions, and now I am the one picking up the pieces of it. Do I miss my family? Yes of course, my grandfather and I were really close when I was younger but when my grandmother died everything changed. I can't say that I really ever had that big of a bond with my eldest uncle, I do remember him trying to run me over once as a child, so when he leaves this world I doubt I shall feel much more than a twinge of pain for him. As for my youngest uncle, I have lost all respect for the man. He is a backstabbing, good for nothing lowlife who barely ever has a job. But I digress, the bonds.. yes, I have very little bonds with them anymore. My mother is the only exception.. you see she is the one who raised me. My father spent over 1/2 my life in prison for attempted murder. My earliest memories of him are me seeing him behind bars. But my mother used to work 2 or 3 jobs just to support us-bills and etc, pay for me to play softball and have the basic needs of life. I feel obligated now to take care of her in her time of need. She took care of me for 18 years, I think this is the best way to pay her back. My mother and I have such a strong bond that I know life will competely be changed when she passes on.

As for friends, they are more like my family then my actual family is. I have very few friends. Because friends to me means something more than what most people consider a friend. These people I would take a bullet for, give my last cent to, and would walk to the end of the earth for. I am grateful for these people. One of the most important people in my life right now, being my best friend from high school, Cassy. She has been my saviour these past two weeks, my sanctuary from the "cold" and "darkness" of real life. She has opened her doors to me, so I may rest, rejuvenate, and meditate. Her and I have bonded so much these past two weeks that I am so thankful for her presence.

Now onto romance bonds. I have to admit that I have been in many romantic interludes in my short life of dating. When I go into a relationship, I do it with everything that I have... heart, body and soul. I guess that because I give everything and all that I have that I expect the same back. I have bonds still with some of the people whom i've had romances with in the past, but I have not been to break some of these. As of the ones in the most recent past. But I digress.

I wanted to give a...piece of advice if you will. Explore the bonds that you have with the world around you. Express your gratitude towards the people whom with you have bonds with. Create new bonds with people whom you were contemplating doing so with. And remember, cherish what you have, praise what you did, and being thankful for what you want.

Eye Candy

So, yes... I know that most people probably assume that this topic is in some way barbaric or someshit like that... but ya know, there is that one person, you can turn around and look at and they just do it for ya. In some way shape or form. Could just be the crinkle around their eyes, the way their lips point just slightly up, or the way their voice kinda rumbles when laughing. Yep, I've recently found it healthy to have eye candy. A good uncomplicated person, who you can just look at. Yep, actually I think it's therapeutical. Good ol' human ego, physche, and libido at work. So next time your at work, having a stressful day and about ready to bash your head into a wall... find a guy or girl (both if your lucky) and get some eye candy. And when you feel better afterwards, give me a shout out. ;)

Anyways.. thought i'd write that all out and such. :D Two more days before I leave to go back home, where I have no computer and such. Cassy has been more than kind enough to let me stay here for a week... it feels wonderful to be able to take so much time to myself for healing, meditation, and concentration. Life at Cassy's house is much simplier than at my own, of course I don't have to take care of anyone else when I'm here... but still. I feel at peace here, and when I was at home, I felt like my shields and barriers were down and I couldn't get them back up? Crazy yes? Well.. anyways, I'll catch ya'll later.

Is it better to love and lost then to never have loved at all?

I've been pondering that question for some time now. I have discovered that my ex, well... has not exactly been truthful. It has torn apart my heart and soul and it feels like someone has rubbed salt and alcohol on my raw wounds. I feel used, betrayed, and utterly destroyed. And yet he has the balls to ask why I feel these things? The last two years of my life, have been this person. Taking care of them, making sure their needs were met, above my own, and making sure they lived a happy life. I know *know* it's not healthy to put someone else's needs above your own, but when I give my heart I give it all. I need to get all these emotions out, but they are trapped and they don't want to come out yet... So i'll blog about something else.

My computer died at my house, so I am currently at Cassy's house using her and Jessica's computers. I've been here almost a week, due to having problems at home and then the thing I found out my ex. Cassy has been my guiding light through everything. I don't know when I'll be able to get the computer fixed, my cousins boyfriend is supposed to give me a new hard drive but I have no idea when that will be.

Sorry for the incoherance of my post. I'll clean it up and fix it later... maybe.

The beginning

Well, in picking out a new name for my blog... I searched many words for exactly what I wanted. I came upon: Journey of the wandering phoenyx... why? Cause it seemed to fit what I wanted to express in my new blog. It seems that I need to get my thoughts and memories down. Not so much for anyone else, or any one's sympathy but for my own good. I need to let go of things, and up until now I have not attempted that feat. Why not you may ask? It was easier to carry my guilt, depression, sadness, and the black hole around with me kind of like a cloak. This blog will serve as my re-birth... yes, that's a wonderful term. I plan on sharing my memories and hopefully will be able to say what I have needed to say for so long.

Why a new blog? Well, because I needed some form of expressing myself without ridicule or hindrance from outside sources. I needed a fresh start. I need to be able to come here, feel comfortable and stretch my wings. I have so many things to say, and so many ways to say them that I don't think that my old blog would of been the appropriate place for them.

I remember when I was younger, playing at the feet of my family thinking that was the safest place in the world. Right there, under the dining room table listening to them play cards and talk about the world around them. Many things were discussed at that table. Family, politics, gossip, rumor, health, and religion. Those days don't happen anymore, not just because I am too old to hide underneath the table but because my family has dissolved. The glue that held us together, my grandmother, is now gone and her memory I fear only exists in me. No one speaks of her, as if she is taboo, but she is still there. The house that everyone came to every Sunday is still the same it was 10+ years ago. I see my grandmothers face in my mother, I see her wit and sarcasm in myself, and I see her intelligence in my little cousin. Back to my point, back then the world was sitting underneath that table without a care in the world. I knew nothing of loss and heartbreak. I realize now that even back then my grandmother was sick. More sick than I knew about. I have very fond memories, some of which are starting to fade and I hope to be able to finally put them down to look back and cherish.

I am not telling my stories for people's sympathy. Though some of them will probably hit people hard, might even shed a tear or two, but I am here, I am still breathing and I can't bear another "I'm sorry that happened to." Well, guess what folks? I'm sorry it happened to me to, this is my way of finally dealing with it.

So, I shall leave y'all with this quote who I'm not sure it's by.. but I'm trying to live by it.

"Experience is the only teacher that gives us the test before the lesson."

-Good day